Quotes from the Corporate Anarchist

I had started a daily email service to my colleagues wherin I would come up with a humorous quote everyday based on the nonsensical happenings of office life. I will now share these with you. Bear in mind that any plagerism will not be well received.

All the progress, process integration and conceptual advancements made by companies over the past 3 decades can be negated in two activities;
Waiting for Management Approvals and Business Lunches.

Today's word is "Service"
The process of delivering the lowest quality, most exorbitantly priced, highest maintenance products you can get away with, and doing it with a smile.

Today's word is "hemorrhage"
An undesirable physical ailment caused by the insistence of certain individuals to constantly quote professional motivational speakers over and over and over and over.... ad nauseum.

Today's corporate equation is;
1 inferiority complex + 2 project management courses x level of authority = Failed project costing between a big loss and a declaration of bankruptcy

The four stages of corporate loss (with apologies to Freud)
1. Disbelief
2. Recalculation of loss
3. Acceptance
4. Scapegoat identification

HR must actively discourage the recruitment of single people;
More time is spent per capita in speculating about their personal life than in any other activity.

Today's corporate IT ratio;
For every qualified system administrator, there are 18.6 idiots who think an A drive is a luxury car.

Management Protocol # 14564
Once in a corporate while you will come across a staff member who is smart, professional, courteous and genuinely helpful.
FIRE HIM!

Dealing with Network Administrators is much like urinating,
It feels good when you are done, but later there is always that last annoying drop that irritates you

Management Protocol # 45239
The usage of $ymbol$, A.C.R.O.N.Y.M.S & abbs, wl hlp u prve that u hv an I.Q. > yr subs.

Management Protocol # 22276
Never underestimate the power of a well placed, totally vague email, it may just make the conceptual difference between failure and R&D

Warped management theory of the day;
Fact 1 : A large proportion of all customers are employees
Fact 2 : Employees are never right
Conclusion: The customer is WRONG!

Confucius say;
Life like bowl of cereal, good five minutes then soggy forever.

Life is like a faxed document;
Bland, unclear and you have to wait forever for something which is probably inconsequential

Today's word is "Vision";
A corporate synonym that must legally be used instead of "insanity"

If Einstein was an employee:
" The speed and quality level at which a matter is executed is inversely proportional to the number of managers involved "

Question: What has no windows, a depressing, isolated atmosphere and no hope of escape until you have served your time?

Answer: A cubicle


With the increased number of project management junkies being created and the stagnant rate of per capita productivity, it won't be long before we hear this phrase in companies around the world, "I want it done last year!"

Corporatising Age Old Proverbs;

"Every cloud has a silver scapegoat"
"Birds of a feather stab each other in the back"
"Where there's a whim, there's a way"
"Too many cooks? Perform a SWOT analysis"
"Look before you leeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaapp!!!"
"The meek shall inherit the cubicle"
"A fool and his money are both customers of ours"

Secret Management Protocol # 1845
When faced with two candidates with nearly equal credentials, merits and experience, bear in mind;
eenie, meenie, minee, mo.

The real reasons Managers favor technology over people;
It is easier to blame something that can't defend itself
Systems cannot show you up
You can be forgiven for beating a PC to death
Ambiguity can be incorporated into any process as part of a CYA protocol
Computers are much better looking and more sympathetic than subordinates.

The Managerial Utopia Project, Article 1.64;
All employees are required to take vows of silence as part of their employment contracts, the only things they are permitted to say are 'Yes", "It's done" and "Can I get you anything else?"

Secret Management Protocol #7682;
In the field of failure avoidance, it is entirely possible to claim a lack of departmental focus as the culprit for a given shortcoming, change the name of the department, do nothing about improving processes and claim the whole thing a "successful operational streamlining"

Aren't we technologically blessed?
The miracles of the information age have made it so that you can surf the net and unearth 1,445,689 sites that contain the keyword "compuutter"

The true test of ability when it comes to surviving in today's corporate clime is neither longevity nor positions achieved, those who have succeeded are those who have liberated the largest amount of office stationary.

Corporate (deluded) Optimism:
Don't think of your job as an oppressive regime imposed upon you by a sadistic society that takes the individual silk and processes it into practical and mindless potato sacks, think of it as an exercise that puts you in touch with your inner apathetic sloth!

Confucius Say;
Being moral is similar to running on hamster wheel, give you good feeling but get you nowhere. Ah so!