Monday, June 05, 2006

Quotes from the Corporate Anarchist

I had started a daily email service to my colleagues wherin I would come up with a humorous quote everyday based on the nonsensical happenings of office life. I will now share these with you. Bear in mind that any plagerism will not be well received.

All the progress, process integration and conceptual advancements made by companies over the past 3 decades can be negated in two activities;
Waiting for Management Approvals and Business Lunches.

Today's word is "Service"
The process of delivering the lowest quality, most exorbitantly priced, highest maintenance products you can get away with, and doing it with a smile.

Today's word is "hemorrhage"
An undesirable physical ailment caused by the insistence of certain individuals to constantly quote professional motivational speakers over and over and over and over.... ad nauseum.

Today's corporate equation is;
1 inferiority complex + 2 project management courses x level of authority = Failed project costing between a big loss and a declaration of bankruptcy

The four stages of corporate loss (with apologies to Freud)
1. Disbelief
2. Recalculation of loss
3. Acceptance
4. Scapegoat identification


HR must actively discourage the recruitment of single people;
More time is spent per capita in speculating about their personal life than in any other activity.

Today's corporate IT ratio;
For every qualified system administrator, there are 18.6 idiots who think an A drive is a luxury car.

Management Protocol # 14564
Once in a corporate while you will come across a staff member who is smart, professional, courteous and genuinely helpful.
FIRE HIM!


Dealing with Network Administrators is much like urinating,
It feels good when you are done, but later there is always that last annoying drop that irritates you

Management Protocol # 45239
The usage of $ymbol$, A.C.R.O.N.Y.M.S & abbs, wl hlp u prve that u hv an I.Q. > yr subs.

Management Protocol # 22276
Never underestimate the power of a well placed, totally vague email, it may just make the conceptual difference between failure and R&D


Warped management theory of the day;
Fact 1 : A large proportion of all customers are employees
Fact 2 : Employees are never right
Conclusion: The customer is WRONG!

Confucius say;
Life like bowl of cereal, good five minutes then soggy forever.


Life is like a faxed document;
Bland, unclear and you have to wait forever for something which is probably inconsequential

Today's word is "Vision";
A corporate synonym that must legally be used instead of "insanity"


If Einstein was an employee:
" The speed and quality level at which a matter is executed is inversely proportional to the number of managers involved "

Question: What has no windows, a depressing, isolated atmosphere and no hope of escape until you have served your time?

Answer: A cubicle


With the increased number of project management junkies being created and the stagnant rate of per capita productivity, it won't be long before we hear this phrase in companies around the world, "I want it done last year!"

Corporatising Age Old Proverbs;

"Every cloud has a silver scapegoat"
"Birds of a feather stab each other in the back"
"Where there's a whim, there's a way"
"Too many cooks? Perform a SWOT analysis"
"Look before you leeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaapp!!!"
"The meek shall inherit the cubicle"
"A fool and his money are both customers of ours"

Secret Management Protocol # 1845
When faced with two candidates with nearly equal credentials, merits and experience, bear in mind;
eenie, meenie, minee, mo.

The real reasons Managers favor technology over people;
It is easier to blame something that can't defend itself
Systems cannot show you up
You can be forgiven for beating a PC to death
Ambiguity can be incorporated into any process as part of a CYA protocol
Computers are much better looking and more sympathetic than subordinates.

The Managerial Utopia Project, Article 1.64;
All employees are required to take vows of silence as part of their employment contracts, the only things they are permitted to say are 'Yes", "It's done" and "Can I get you anything else?"

Secret Management Protocol #7682;
In the field of failure avoidance, it is entirely possible to claim a lack of departmental focus as the culprit for a given shortcoming, change the name of the department, do nothing about improving processes and claim the whole thing a "successful operational streamlining"


Aren't we technologically blessed?
The miracles of the information age have made it so that you can surf the net and unearth 1,445,689 sites that contain the keyword "compuutter"

The true test of ability when it comes to surviving in today's corporate clime is neither longevity nor positions achieved, those who have succeeded are those who have liberated the largest amount of office stationary.

Corporate (deluded) Optimism:
Don't think of your job as an oppressive regime imposed upon you by a sadistic society that takes the individual silk and processes it into practical and mindless potato sacks, think of it as an exercise that puts you in touch with your inner apathetic sloth!

Confucius Say;
Being moral is similar to running on hamster wheel, give you good feeling but get you nowhere. Ah so!

60 comments:

Pazuzu HSP said...

I miss reading this incomprehensible blog, did I spell that right?

Pazuzu HSP said...

I miss reading this incomprehensible blog, did I spell that right?

Pazuzu HSP said...

Sorry for the double post



Sorry for the double post

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Cleopatrina said...

"Being moral is similar to running on hamster wheel, give you good feeling but get you nowhere."
True..very true..wont get u anywhere in this life, they didnt say another about the next one though.

Anonymous said...

Hey Fahad,

So thrilled you are posting again, I had stopped checking for a while and then yesterday BAM!!!

The corporate philosophy is sad but true.

BTW, how come you are never online...

Take care you...

Inji - live from Cairo

Cup of Malice said...

Hey Juka!

What's the hap my alex girl?
Actually, I think I'll send a mail

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It's interesting that Malice has lost interest in posting at the same time as Kareem, right after Kareem's week in Dubai

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Everyone who is involved in any kind of gaming, gambling, or betting as heard the stories of legendary people who have supposedly created the next foolproof betting system and have used the system themselves to help them to avoid losing and get higher profits over the long haul. The fact is that there is not a system in existence that can guarantee you that you will definitely be successful and never lose.
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Overall, the majority of people feel that the United States is missing the boat on this matter. Instead of simply regulating the industry like the rest of the countries in the world, they are trying to get rid of it altogether. This may have some benefits, but for the most part there is a chance that it could end up back firing. It will be interesting to see what the Senate decides to do in the upcoming months.

Another important subject I must briefly refer to is "catch-up" staking. If you find that you need to employ this tactic regularly, it means three things: (1) your Selection System sucks, (2) you haven't got a clue about what constitutes a proper Staking Plan, and (3) you have turned your chances of regularly and quickly losing your Base Bank to a 100% certainty!

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If you’re like me when you first saw the term “arbitrage sports betting” you just said, “huh?” You may even be reading this article because you were wondering. It is a relatively little method that can actually allow you to make money no matter who wins or loses. Kind of like heads I win, tails I win!
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The Parlay System is one of the most famous of betting systems that are commonly used in horse racing. Many have said that contrary to other sports betting systems, the Parlay System has a pyramiding effect on your profit which means your winnings are played on successive wagers.
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On the other hand if you were to lose then you would wager twice what your original bet was. According to proponents of the system, this strategy will eventually enable you to win the bets you place and when you win you would recover all your lost bets plus one unit profit against your initial wager.

Nonetheless, the reality of the matter is this: if you don't have a Selection System that is sound in every respect, then you are just as badly off as if you had no Selection System at all! And even if you find a good tipster service, you must still exercise a great deal of caution in making your final selections and look carefully at their success rate for the specific type of tips they are offering. If you fail to do this, then you can be certain of one thing: you will lose all your money somewhere down the road!

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